Down

I've been really down lately. The last time I can remember feeling like this was in high school. Like I have no idea what the point is. Like I feel virtually no drive or motivation to do anything. Like I feel helpless.

Yeah, I would call this feeling depressed. But certain things have changed. For instance, when I was in high school, I used to wallow in this state. I would talk myself into feeling more miserable, or at least talk myself out of trying to get out of the funk. I think I have more perspective now, a better sense of objectivity. I realize this state, like all states, is temporary. In fact, sometimes it's necessary. They say you only really improve when you're down or when you've failed; an extended period of euphoria or success tends to dull our desire to make things even better.

I'm not sure why I'm here. I'm sure it's a combination of things, like the proverbial straws upon the camel's back. I can't really point to one straw in particular.

I want to do so many things, and yet I realize that time is slipping away and that humans are bound within its constraints.

I've begun realizing how important relationships are, and yet I'm lost as to what I want out of them, what kind of relationships I want. I could be in a loving, monogamous relationship, so why don't I want that? I could improve my relationships with women in general, so why do I feel like it's futile? Where did my drive go? Am I giving up or just changing directions? Is it worth the effort?