In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a bubbly, optimistic, glass is AT LEAST half full kind of guy. If you hadn't noticed, then perhaps I need to start adding a superfluous amount of exclamation points to my sentences. In any case, I am. I have very few pet peeves. Not none but indeed, very few. I discovered a new one today, and although discoveries are often fun and titillating things, this type of discovery was not.
Now, if I were writing a typical blog or going off on a typical rant (rather synomyous sometimes, aren't they?), I may simply reiterate my irritation on here and then exit the blog stage left in an anti-climatic fashion. However, that is not satisfactory for me. I've trained myself to find the position in every situation. So, rather than just bitch and moan and leave it at that, thinking that I had delved into the necessary catharsis but instead feeling rather nettlesome, I ask myself "why does this bother me?" Thankfully, I discovered why, and that gave me true catharsis.
My pet peeve is this: I shall call it the "friendship leech."
See, any basic biology book will tell you that there are essentially three kinds of relationships in this world: mutual, symbiotic and parasitic. I believe I have those terms correct, but this is a blog, not a research article which I am getting paid for, so I'm not going to bother to look them up. Anyway, if my memory serves correctly, a mutual relationship is where both parties benefit, like a (healthy) friendship. A symbiotic relationship is where one party benefits, but the other isn't harmed, like when the employee at the coffee shop gives me a cup of water with my 100 yen wafer cuz I'm too cheap to buy coffee. Maybe that's not symbiotic, but it's pretty close.
Finally, a parasitic relationship is where one party benefits, the other is harmed.
Now, in prehistoric or even ancient history, many people assumed that was the only way to benefit, that EVERYTHING was a zero-sum game. We know better than that now, or at least I hope we do. Certainly, there are situations with limited parameters than reduce us to "in order for me to win you must lose" scenarios. They're called sports, or games. Outside of that, they really don't exist any more, unless your imagination or creative ability is so low you assume human interaction is nothing but a series of plusses and minuses.
Having said all that, let me get to my pet peeve: Friends asking me to do something for them for free that I normally get paid for (because I'm good at it). Namely, teach them English.
Before I go into it, a couple notes. First, I don't MIND someone asking me a couple questions, particularly if they are not frequent and if they are simple, like "which sounds better, 'By the time I got back, he was gone, or he had gone?'" or "Which is correct, decide a place or choose a place?" Those are simple, require minimal brainpower and are completed in seconds.
Also, I noticed something. I have very few close friends, a good number of good friends, lots of friends and tons of acquaintances. My close friends almost never do this, my good friends also rarely do this, my friends only occasionally do this, but my acquaintances do this fairly often.
So what am I talking about? I'm talking about the people who either a) expect free lessons or b) are bombarding me with questions once a week or more because they look at me as a free resource.
I'm talking about this:
Example #1:
Leech: "Please teach me English!"
Me: "Sure, when are you available? I generally charge xyz yen per hour."
Leech: "Huh?"
Me: "You want me to teach you English, right?"
Leech: "Yes!"
Me: "Well, that's my rate."
Leech: "You mean you want me to pay??"
Me: "Uh... yes?"
Leech: "Oh... but I have no money... can't you just help me?"
Example #2:
Leech: "Can you translate something for me?"
Me: "Sure, what is it?"
Leech proceeds to hand me a two page letter written by a native speaker in very colloquial English. At this point I tell them what my rate is for a TRANSLATION JOB (because anything more than a couple words, not to mention a couple pages, is actually quite tough and requires some effort), at which point you can refer to the "Leech: "Huh?"" section of example #1 to see how that conversation proceeds.
The final example is the person who "only has a couple questions" but has them every week, or even two or three times a week.
Now, initially I thought 'But these are friends... don't friends deserve some help? After all, they've given me their friendship.'
But that's when it occurred to me.
You don't get to barter YOUR friendship for MY services. YOUR friendship gets MY friendship. Equal trade. If you want MY services, you need to offer something in return.
This made sense to me because I would never approach a friend like this. I would never start a negotation with "You're my friend, so I deserve to get your hard work and effort for free and offer you nothing in return." I would AT LEAST offer to buy them a drink or lunch or something, if not offer them MY services IN RETURN.
That's what equality or fairness is all about. That's what mutualistic relationships are all about. You offer your friendship? Great, I'll give you mine. Fair trade. I want your expertize on how to build a website, what do I have to offer you in return? If nothing else, I have money.
The friendship doesn't give you direct access to free services. It gives you access to my trust, which gives you access to me considering a business transaction with you. It means I'll skip over doing a background check, I won't bother with a contract, I won't hassle you for references to determine your reliability. That's what it earns you, and that earns you a chance to enter into another fair trade with me. That's it.
So stop leeching off your friends. Or, more appropriately for anyone reading this, stop letting them leech off you. Demand what you're worth.
Now, if I were writing a typical blog or going off on a typical rant (rather synomyous sometimes, aren't they?), I may simply reiterate my irritation on here and then exit the blog stage left in an anti-climatic fashion. However, that is not satisfactory for me. I've trained myself to find the position in every situation. So, rather than just bitch and moan and leave it at that, thinking that I had delved into the necessary catharsis but instead feeling rather nettlesome, I ask myself "why does this bother me?" Thankfully, I discovered why, and that gave me true catharsis.
My pet peeve is this: I shall call it the "friendship leech."
See, any basic biology book will tell you that there are essentially three kinds of relationships in this world: mutual, symbiotic and parasitic. I believe I have those terms correct, but this is a blog, not a research article which I am getting paid for, so I'm not going to bother to look them up. Anyway, if my memory serves correctly, a mutual relationship is where both parties benefit, like a (healthy) friendship. A symbiotic relationship is where one party benefits, but the other isn't harmed, like when the employee at the coffee shop gives me a cup of water with my 100 yen wafer cuz I'm too cheap to buy coffee. Maybe that's not symbiotic, but it's pretty close.
Finally, a parasitic relationship is where one party benefits, the other is harmed.
Now, in prehistoric or even ancient history, many people assumed that was the only way to benefit, that EVERYTHING was a zero-sum game. We know better than that now, or at least I hope we do. Certainly, there are situations with limited parameters than reduce us to "in order for me to win you must lose" scenarios. They're called sports, or games. Outside of that, they really don't exist any more, unless your imagination or creative ability is so low you assume human interaction is nothing but a series of plusses and minuses.
Having said all that, let me get to my pet peeve: Friends asking me to do something for them for free that I normally get paid for (because I'm good at it). Namely, teach them English.
Before I go into it, a couple notes. First, I don't MIND someone asking me a couple questions, particularly if they are not frequent and if they are simple, like "which sounds better, 'By the time I got back, he was gone, or he had gone?'" or "Which is correct, decide a place or choose a place?" Those are simple, require minimal brainpower and are completed in seconds.
Also, I noticed something. I have very few close friends, a good number of good friends, lots of friends and tons of acquaintances. My close friends almost never do this, my good friends also rarely do this, my friends only occasionally do this, but my acquaintances do this fairly often.
So what am I talking about? I'm talking about the people who either a) expect free lessons or b) are bombarding me with questions once a week or more because they look at me as a free resource.
I'm talking about this:
Example #1:
Leech: "Please teach me English!"
Me: "Sure, when are you available? I generally charge xyz yen per hour."
Leech: "Huh?"
Me: "You want me to teach you English, right?"
Leech: "Yes!"
Me: "Well, that's my rate."
Leech: "You mean you want me to pay??"
Me: "Uh... yes?"
Leech: "Oh... but I have no money... can't you just help me?"
Example #2:
Leech: "Can you translate something for me?"
Me: "Sure, what is it?"
Leech proceeds to hand me a two page letter written by a native speaker in very colloquial English. At this point I tell them what my rate is for a TRANSLATION JOB (because anything more than a couple words, not to mention a couple pages, is actually quite tough and requires some effort), at which point you can refer to the "Leech: "Huh?"" section of example #1 to see how that conversation proceeds.
The final example is the person who "only has a couple questions" but has them every week, or even two or three times a week.
Now, initially I thought 'But these are friends... don't friends deserve some help? After all, they've given me their friendship.'
But that's when it occurred to me.
You don't get to barter YOUR friendship for MY services. YOUR friendship gets MY friendship. Equal trade. If you want MY services, you need to offer something in return.
This made sense to me because I would never approach a friend like this. I would never start a negotation with "You're my friend, so I deserve to get your hard work and effort for free and offer you nothing in return." I would AT LEAST offer to buy them a drink or lunch or something, if not offer them MY services IN RETURN.
That's what equality or fairness is all about. That's what mutualistic relationships are all about. You offer your friendship? Great, I'll give you mine. Fair trade. I want your expertize on how to build a website, what do I have to offer you in return? If nothing else, I have money.
The friendship doesn't give you direct access to free services. It gives you access to my trust, which gives you access to me considering a business transaction with you. It means I'll skip over doing a background check, I won't bother with a contract, I won't hassle you for references to determine your reliability. That's what it earns you, and that earns you a chance to enter into another fair trade with me. That's it.
So stop leeching off your friends. Or, more appropriately for anyone reading this, stop letting them leech off you. Demand what you're worth.
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