Time has been going by like a blur. It's barely conceivable to me that my weekend is over and my weekday is about to begin. Isn't the weekend supposed to be the period of time that you have no obligations? And yet mine went by like a whirlwind. I don't remember sitting still, except for one 45 minute period to watch an episode of 24 because it was due that day.
Another thing that baffles me: I'm introverted, but I've spent many years honing my social skills to the point that I can basically turn into a bubbly, charismatic extravert at the drop of a hat. Usually. Saturday, despite my immense fatigue I did that. I was out chatting with an old schoolmate, then I hopped over to a couple bars to ask if they were looking for bartenders for a guy I met today, and then schmoozed a bunch of ladies and shot the shit with some guys. I was feeling so emotionally high I think I could have taken any of those women home. I probably could have.
Point is I was feeling energized despite not having much energy. I went back home at a decent hour and woke up today feeling pretty good. My lessons went well. And yet at around 8pm I just died. Had no more social energy. I could feel it in the vibes and I can feel it now. I'm drained. Typing words generally seems like such an easy task and yet I feel like I'm fighting against... what, I don't know. Something. This is how creatively drained I'm feeling right now.
To top it off something interesting happen. I saw my ex today. Normally that would be a fun thing, maybe even an invigorating thing, as I genuinely like some of my ex's. But this was the ex that was responsible for the mini-soap opera that my life became last year. I thought, especially in this state of mind, I would feel a traumatizing wave of negative energy if I ever wound up seeing her again, but I didn't. the weird thing is, I actually almost walked into the shop I spotted her at to say hello. See, the thing is, I've reached a stage of what I'd like to think is maturity that enables me to see someone I even dislike and still feel comfortable talking to them, because I really, genuinely don't particularly care what people think of me any more. I realized that I'm going to be bad-mouthing certain people via this thing and maybe other mediums, and I'm not trying to hide that fact, and I'm willing to deal with the consequences. I really don't care if they approve or not. So, meeting someone I don't like is going to become a fact of life, and I feel I'm able to adjust to it.
Difference in this case is, no good would come of it. Talking to someone I dislike, I may change my mind. They make impress me. Feelings can change. It may be a worthwhile challenge. But because of certain changes that have happened to me, there's no point, no benefit, to talking with Ai. At best, it would be awkward, at worst, the attraction may be rekindled. That would be absolutely no good. Attraction is not sustaining; the lifestyle I am leading now is, and it is infinitely more satisfying.
I came home and ran some scenarios in my head; if I had decided to walk up and talk to her, what would I have said? What would I have asked her. Absolutely nothing came to mind. There's nothing I want to tell her, nothing I want to ask, nothing I want to know, and nothing I want her to know.
I'm just surprised at myself. After deeply and evocatively pining after this girl, wondering how many years it would take to get over her... only a few months later in this exhausted state, I'm fine. It's so bizarre to me I'm actually upset that I'm not upset... like I should be, that would be more "natural" or "normal." I think I'll wake up tomorrow, more sober and clear-headed, and realize that this means I've become a more mature, rational and calm adult, rather than a psychological freak of nature.
I do wonder if she actually saw me. A part of me hopes she did.
Edit: For anyone wondering what I may be talking about, I highly recommend this site about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
Another thing that baffles me: I'm introverted, but I've spent many years honing my social skills to the point that I can basically turn into a bubbly, charismatic extravert at the drop of a hat. Usually. Saturday, despite my immense fatigue I did that. I was out chatting with an old schoolmate, then I hopped over to a couple bars to ask if they were looking for bartenders for a guy I met today, and then schmoozed a bunch of ladies and shot the shit with some guys. I was feeling so emotionally high I think I could have taken any of those women home. I probably could have.
Point is I was feeling energized despite not having much energy. I went back home at a decent hour and woke up today feeling pretty good. My lessons went well. And yet at around 8pm I just died. Had no more social energy. I could feel it in the vibes and I can feel it now. I'm drained. Typing words generally seems like such an easy task and yet I feel like I'm fighting against... what, I don't know. Something. This is how creatively drained I'm feeling right now.
To top it off something interesting happen. I saw my ex today. Normally that would be a fun thing, maybe even an invigorating thing, as I genuinely like some of my ex's. But this was the ex that was responsible for the mini-soap opera that my life became last year. I thought, especially in this state of mind, I would feel a traumatizing wave of negative energy if I ever wound up seeing her again, but I didn't. the weird thing is, I actually almost walked into the shop I spotted her at to say hello. See, the thing is, I've reached a stage of what I'd like to think is maturity that enables me to see someone I even dislike and still feel comfortable talking to them, because I really, genuinely don't particularly care what people think of me any more. I realized that I'm going to be bad-mouthing certain people via this thing and maybe other mediums, and I'm not trying to hide that fact, and I'm willing to deal with the consequences. I really don't care if they approve or not. So, meeting someone I don't like is going to become a fact of life, and I feel I'm able to adjust to it.
Difference in this case is, no good would come of it. Talking to someone I dislike, I may change my mind. They make impress me. Feelings can change. It may be a worthwhile challenge. But because of certain changes that have happened to me, there's no point, no benefit, to talking with Ai. At best, it would be awkward, at worst, the attraction may be rekindled. That would be absolutely no good. Attraction is not sustaining; the lifestyle I am leading now is, and it is infinitely more satisfying.
I came home and ran some scenarios in my head; if I had decided to walk up and talk to her, what would I have said? What would I have asked her. Absolutely nothing came to mind. There's nothing I want to tell her, nothing I want to ask, nothing I want to know, and nothing I want her to know.
I'm just surprised at myself. After deeply and evocatively pining after this girl, wondering how many years it would take to get over her... only a few months later in this exhausted state, I'm fine. It's so bizarre to me I'm actually upset that I'm not upset... like I should be, that would be more "natural" or "normal." I think I'll wake up tomorrow, more sober and clear-headed, and realize that this means I've become a more mature, rational and calm adult, rather than a psychological freak of nature.
I do wonder if she actually saw me. A part of me hopes she did.
Edit: For anyone wondering what I may be talking about, I highly recommend this site about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
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