hisashiburi

It's been a long time since I've used this. I recently started recording my thoughts and life on a voice recorder application on my iPhone, so I haven't had much need for this. I've come out of what was essentially a six month roller coaster ride of a relationship with a girl and I'm just starting to settle into normalcy again and, in a sense, it sucks. It was a weird feeling. First I missed her, then I was glad to be rid of the drama but now... I want it back. And I thought of the perfect analogy for it.

It was like being at a party. A looooong party. Fun, exciting, stimulating and joyous at the beginning, but then it just started to wear on me. Too much up and down, too many hangovers following drunken nights, wondering where the "fun" went and how to get it back, and realizing that maybe I'm just tired of it all and this is not what life is necessarily supposed to be about. So, I decide to head home to my "normal" life. I know deep down it's the right decision, it's healthy, I feel relaxed already, thankful for the experience.

But then I realize, that party is gone. It's never coming back. It's in the past, and it's going to stay that way. At first, I'm relieved. "Good," I think. "Now I can get back to everything else I want to do. I'm free of that waste of energy." But then I realize I start to miss it. My whole life revolved around it, even if for just a short time. I start to reminisce and feel nostalgiac. Then I start to realize it's not THAT specific party that I miss, but that whole vibe, that whole situation, those opportunities, that sense of immediate purpose. Then I start to wonder why. Is it an unhealthy obsession? Is there still something left to experience or learn? What would happen if I just left that world and tried to keep on the road to normalcy? What would happen if I went back one more time (to a different party, of course, I'm not allowed back into my old one)? Why do I desire to jump back in, despite feeling like a wreck after my old one? What is it that drives me towards it?

This is the perfect analogy, at least in my eyes. The relationship, just like partying, felt wonderful at first. It was a dream come true, I never wanted it to end. Then, it turned sour and I realized it wasn't making me happy. I kept believing if I just worked harder, it could go back to the way it was, but I realized I was wrong, and I needed stability in my life. It was taking all my time and energy, and there were more important (but less titillating) things for me to attend to. So I left, but it was painful. I thought about all the unfulfilled dreams and promises, the hopes that I had that I knew were not going to come true now. But I got back to work and slowly started getting over it, until my eyes "opened" and I reflected back over the experience and realized I had learned and grown a lot, and that there were certain parts I would never miss, but others that would remain a mystery. I felt like I was ready to move past it, but actually... now I don't know. I don't want to go back to that specific party, but there's something about that "type" of party that still allures me.