Wow

Had probably the biggest potential scare of my life last weekend. I had evidential reason to believe I may have contracted a serious sexually transmitted disease. I got checked up on Monday. Results were negative; I didn't have it. Sunday was the most depressing day I can remember, and the 15 minutes between when they took my blood and when they gave me the results were easily the longest and most frightening I've ever experienced in my life.

I realized what one of the, if not THE, biggest fear of my life is: Awaiting an outcome that you have no say or influence over. Not to mention, one that you can do nothing about for your entire life. And the idea that my personal decisions put me in that spot is even more harrowing.

I have yet to check for other potential diseases, although I am considerably less anxious about them; the majority of them appear to be curable and have very obvious symptoms in the majority of the cases. The very few that are asymptomatic and/or incurable are also non-fatal. In any case, I will be going to get checked, just to be sure.

A strange and unforeseen psychological effect has taken ahold of me: I'm having trouble believing that I am really healthy. I feel this highly irrational but deep-seated belief that maybe I was a rare exception; maybe they missed something, maybe there was some mistake. Despite the statistical likelihood that I have contracted nothing, the scenario fit too well: I was unprotected, with a girl I barely knew and I had a few of the potential symptoms that people who contract this disease get within the normal period of time for them to show up.

The most terrifying thing about this particular disease is that it can possibly go into hiding for years even after contracting it. How can you possibly feel safe when the symptoms are that you appear healthy? That's 99% of the population...

I suppose, to a degree, it may be that I feel I don't deserve to have gotten away with it. As badly as I want to be healthy, like I shouldn't be... funny, I've never felt this way in my life either.

In any case, now that the results indicate I'm 99.9% likely to be fine, I'm glad it happened. I can't think of a better wake up call.

Life is exceedingly delicate. Exceedingly. You can make a million idiotic decisions, but all it takes is one of them, and that's it. You're done. It's a terrifying realization. But it's also clarifying. In less than a 24 hour period, I think I've discovered the "meaning" to life: Do what you're here to do, and then get the fuck out of the way. That's it. Things seem sharper now and the bullshit has come out in the clear, like scum rising to the top of sewage water. Sounds dismal, but it's actually invigorating. I'm here to do what I'm here to do. Better get the fuck out of my way.